I am

I want to listen to people talk about what matters to them and to me. Talk about what they think things should be like. Almost in the form of a conversation wherein one party ends up doing all the talking. This happened to me recently twice. A couple days ago I was walking to school and this ~55yr old, by chance of timing, ended up walking almost next to each other. He opened by asking if I was on my way to class and what I was studying. But, I think after it became clear I was not trying to get rid of him, he just started talking. Still about relevant things, each building off of the last, beginning from his graduation at Mines in 1970-something. It wasn’t quite him monologue-ing, there were intermittent questions that I thought I gave thoughtful enough answers to. By the Golden library we ended up going different ways.

The second time was last night. The two people I was with had a slow-going dialogue that covered a variety of topics. This was very different from the first in that whenever they were talking I felt eager to speak my mind and have their attention focused on me. However, when they naturally finished with what they had to say I no longer felt that I needed to say anything. It went back and forth between them for hours and I rarely entered to speak my mind. The times I did I felt that I was merely grabbing for attention. This happened under a few other circumstances last night. While I was “pacing” around I often felt that I wanted attention. I acted on this a few times and got all giggly when I thought their focus was on me.

The first event really reminded me of the movie ‘Waking Life’. After watching it I really want my life to be like that. I want to listen to people talk about what matters to them; the first sentence revisited. I want to learn new things and think in new ways. I strongly agree with lots of the themes in that movie with one notable exception (not noted here). It’s really hard to describe but the first couple times I watched it, it was a perfect metaphor for my life. I relate to the main character with the small exception that I know I’m still alive and aware. I think I’ve changed in a few ways since watching the movie but it’s pretty unlikely they can all be attributed to it. I occasionally listen to NPR now, read the Wall Street Journal, walk to school earlier than usual / alone, eat lunch at Burger King (I don’t think this is as irrelevant as it seems at first glance), listen to Pandora, and talk to people, almost to the extent of opening up to them.

I know that I dreamed before watching the movie and I guess I can recall some of them. But it really seems that after the movie I remember them differently, at least for a few seconds after waking up, I can also remember having very specific, real, and appropriate feeling within dreams recently. As soon as I woke up once, I focused on what I had felt in the dream and realized that I had been completely myself. I doubted things, thought about things that weren’t immediately happening, and expressed emotions like empathy within the dream. So I think now that I’ve felt or could feel anything in a dream with the possible exception of an undisputed knowledge that I’m awake.

While awake it seems obvious to me that I am awake. After an unusual event, I may be brought into question whether or not I’m dreaming but soon I just know that I’m obviously awake. There’s some fundamental test I do in my head and I know I’m awake without dispute.

So, that’s the only thing that I’m not sure I can feel in a dream.

Also, last night and in the movie, the topic of lucid dreaming was / is discussed in some detail. However, I haven’t had a lucid dream in years. Back in the day when I realized I was dreaming, I could control things for a bit but I would always wake up before I wanted to.

Peace -- Mike