Our actions are based on commitments from the past. First, we decide to do or say something, then we trust ourselves while doing it, that the something is worth completing. If we reevaluate during the process then we may find something else to do.
Once a sentence is started there is a commitment to finish it. But once I start speaking a sentence I move on in my mind to other things. Often once I have thought about what comes next I no longer feel like that sentence I am still in the process of saying is worth saying. Perhaps half way through, it becomes obvious what the response of the other person will be. Then from that, my response to theirs may not be worth saying.
Writing is different. Each word can be evaluated many times before the final document is published for others to view and make interpretations from the selection presented to them. The author can mentally wander around and return to write the couple next words. What is read is then the concentrated form of what was meant.
Speaking represents one-shot, one-opportunity, to state your case with the hope that those listening are actively attempting to follow. I believe that a major characteristic of a person that I base my opinion of them on is how actively they listen. I believe many people passively listen. If a passive listener hears something clearly then they interpret it. However, if there is a doubt in their mind they ask for clarification. I see an active listener as one who actively focuses on hearing while another speaks. An active listener attempts to recreate unheard parts of sentences before responding or processing. I see this as different from an attempt of the listener to understand or be empathetic. I see the basis of active listening as the listener’s focus. I feel like this became a personal rant.
One who pictures understanding as levels of thought has limited themselves to the second level.
Woo! Minesweeper No-Flag expert in 135 seconds.
Oh right, I was totally writing something here... hum... oh commitments from the past; well let me get back to it.
Hopefully, what is written here in itself provides a fair metaphor for thinking while speaking. If one were thinking the above written instead of reading what is written above then I believe it would have taken less than the time required to say something meaningful. So, I have jumped back to the beginning, but now that I am again writing about it does it really seem the same? Do I feel the same things about my thoughts leaving my tongue in the dust after writing about writing being a selection for interpretation? (Edit comment: I had to reread that one five times) So if I were orally explaining the topic of my thoughts running laps around the words I was in the process of saying I do not think I would bother finishing what I was trying to express because of those things that transpired in my head would have changed how I saw the topic to be expressed.
Now for some overarching claims:
I guess this is why "nothing matters" to many people or why they do not give opinions. Once they have expressed an answer it no longer is how it was while they prepared it.
93.3 and 106.7 were both at commercials today, so I mashed the rest for the presets and wound up on 100.3 with Unwritten by Natasha Bedingfield playing. I came in around halfway to the song and enjoyed listening to it. I tried to remember some of the lyrics so I could look it up later but forgot them the moment I reached my driveway. Fortunately, the station’s website provided me with the name. I do not really like the sound of it now, or the video for that matter. The message of the song reminded me of As We Speak by Soilwork. I really like this song, for the lyrics and the lofty background chorus. I have been thinking about the line "As we speak we turn to stone" recently. I interpret this line to mean that once something is spoken it defines the person that said it. So by saying things, as people we are thereafter seen as a collection of the things that we have decided to share. But I hardly share anything, and I would guess that other people share very little compared to all of the things that they think or even the things that they consider saying but do not. I see this as the source of a difference between self image and the way others see us. Others only get a portion of who we are to judge us by. I suppose that my thoughts of who someone is could be thought of as a two-dimensional slice of their three-dimensional self based on the limited context from which I know them compared to the infinite context from which they know themselves.
Speaking is such an obviously limited form of communication. We can out-think what we say; the thoughts filtered in an attempt to produce a cohesive message for the listener to understand are lost. I think how people deal with these inexpressible thoughts is important. Speaking also cannot express much of our experience in the world. To speak, removes the speaker from the state of mind that their message could be complete.
Well, I guess I will stop writing now. I wonder how editing-me will see these topics differently. I also wonder how the interpretations made by the editor will differ. Finally, I suppose I wonder too about one reading this. Will the reader be relating the above to something they have experienced, rejecting the nonsense written above, or the third option? The third option is always right.
Like Grover, I believe the above did not use any contractions. Perhaps the Quakers are right in their belief of things to be plainly spoken.
I think these are the things I have been thinking about recently that were not spoken for one reason or another. Perhaps I have been dwelling on them so that eventually they may be released, even if it is here.
Next day, pre-edit, comment: Well, for the first time in years while enjoying 11 hours of sleep, I had a lucid dream. While it was pretty long and detailed, the lucid portion came only at the end. I was in a Vegas casino under construction. There were a lot of meetings going on in the different rooms despite the walls not being completely finished. I felt like a guest but I was not there for the meetings. Eventually, I was looking for a way to leave the floor I was on, I found a two story staircase down but I was above the lower end of the staircase and there was not a rail. So I thought to myself that if I were in a dream then I could easily take this fall. So, without much more thought I jumped off. I landed on a foot, a knee, and both palms, and stopped suddenly without pain. I then realized I had survived the fall and must then be in a dream. I thought back to the real world and what I would tell people, as it was my first lucid dream in years. I never found an answer to that because I decided to stay in the lucid dream I had to focus on the things around me to prevent from awakening. I seemed to be in a large DVD store, so I quickly started reading the titles to myself. After a bit, I found my way to a wall of large glass refrigerators, like in convenience stores. I was holding a hammer and decided that dream me might as well do something cool before I awoke. I threw the hammer into one of the glass plates guarding the beverages. It cracked in place, fell to the floor as one, then shattered throwing pieces in every direction along the floor. I looked around at the pieces for a bit, and then woke up. Then I had two more really involved dreams that I was not lucid for. So concludes the next day, pre-edit, comment. Alright, it is editing time. Alright, editing time is over just like that.
Peace -- Mike
Sunday, December 27, 2009
Tuesday, December 15, 2009
December 15 Dream
Jeff, Ryan, and I were in our house where Randall hall was; such that the front door opened east. I was looking out the front windows occasionally and we were talking something fairly important. The subject turned to tornadoes as I looked outside and saw a silhouetted tornado against a sunset sky. I told them about it and they didn’t really believe me. I went outside for a better view. I looked around and it was like a cloud city and our house had a much larger front porch held up by the same column that held up our house. The tornado seemed to be coming from the top of a large slow-flying ship and large antenna on top. Viewing the ship it flew in a direction towards my 8 o’clock with the tornado staying on top of it. As it went the tornado faded away and when Ryan and Jeff came out it had completely disappeared, we all watched the ship go around the side of the house. I took the path from the residence halls to follow it (how they really are laid out). But I didn’t take the most direct path looking back at it. Once I was on this path we were no longer in a cloud city, everything was laid out as the residence halls really are.
Before I turned the corner to see the ship I was lifted forward by a force on my neck; not in an unpleasant way. Floating along slowly in the direction of the ship, my toes just barely drug along the top of the snow. I’m not sure if I was the one making myself float or not. While floating I was wondering if Jeff and Ryan were looking, and if they were what they were thinking.
Just after turning the corner of the building I was flipped around in the air and hit the ground. I thought about them watching me and how they would never know what really just happened. I started giggling and rolling around because they would never know. I landed on an inflatable mattress. Ryan came over and grabbed the big toe of my right foot. His hand was amazingly warm, maybe ~100 degrees Fahrenheit. We talked for a while and I might have mentioned aliens but all the while he kept holding my toe. I finally said something about it and he let go. I noticed the M displaying an 8, as it does near the end of school, but it wasn’t in the right place. It appeared to be coming from the base of White Ranch open space. The 8 appeared at the base of the mountain the ship would have hit. I told Ryan it was in the wrong spot, as the real M should be on Zion, on which, there was nothing.
The white 8 turned red. Ryan and I just sat there watching it, sitting on the mattress. It then changed into a picture show, displaying around one per second. The pictures took up my entire field of view. I seemed to know why all of the pictures were in the show without ever having seen them before. So I told Ryan what each one stood for as it came up, so he would understand. I wish I could remember what I had said during this part of the dream; I think it was the point. In the first few slides was a black and white old style rotary two piece phone. I said, continuing my ramble, “The phone is symbolic of the servant.” It kept changing and I kept talking. For some reason this is the only one I remember but all the things I said were along that line. I knew the images were far away but they were all I could see.
The moment the pictures stopped I got a call. I showed Ryan it was ringing as if I had something to prove. The contact came up, “Carl” and I thought it was Karl S. one of Phillip’s old friends. I didn’t think about the spelling difference at the time. I answered and Carl/Karl said, “Hey this must be about the…” Interrupting and speaking very quickly I said, “aliens because there is no way you could have called me that fast after the slideshow.” He said nothing, I think he was shocked. Sometime later another voice came on. I thought it was his younger brother or something. (But Karl doesn’t have a brother) The voice and I talked for a bit, exchanging pleasantries and whatnot. Inside the house I was pacing around talking to him. His voice was soft and I guessed he was around 9 years old. He eventually said, “You’re a good person Michael.” I said, “Thanks” and waited as if it was time for him to tell me why he called. Around five seconds later I thought to myself that I was talking to the aliens. The dream then ended suddenly. Those were the only lines of dialogue I could recall upon awakening.
Yep. The whole thing had an important feel about it. Upon awakening I just lay there for around ten minutes. It was too dark at 6:00a to write it down it bed, so I took it downstairs to write it up.
Peace -- Mike
Before I turned the corner to see the ship I was lifted forward by a force on my neck; not in an unpleasant way. Floating along slowly in the direction of the ship, my toes just barely drug along the top of the snow. I’m not sure if I was the one making myself float or not. While floating I was wondering if Jeff and Ryan were looking, and if they were what they were thinking.
Just after turning the corner of the building I was flipped around in the air and hit the ground. I thought about them watching me and how they would never know what really just happened. I started giggling and rolling around because they would never know. I landed on an inflatable mattress. Ryan came over and grabbed the big toe of my right foot. His hand was amazingly warm, maybe ~100 degrees Fahrenheit. We talked for a while and I might have mentioned aliens but all the while he kept holding my toe. I finally said something about it and he let go. I noticed the M displaying an 8, as it does near the end of school, but it wasn’t in the right place. It appeared to be coming from the base of White Ranch open space. The 8 appeared at the base of the mountain the ship would have hit. I told Ryan it was in the wrong spot, as the real M should be on Zion, on which, there was nothing.
The white 8 turned red. Ryan and I just sat there watching it, sitting on the mattress. It then changed into a picture show, displaying around one per second. The pictures took up my entire field of view. I seemed to know why all of the pictures were in the show without ever having seen them before. So I told Ryan what each one stood for as it came up, so he would understand. I wish I could remember what I had said during this part of the dream; I think it was the point. In the first few slides was a black and white old style rotary two piece phone. I said, continuing my ramble, “The phone is symbolic of the servant.” It kept changing and I kept talking. For some reason this is the only one I remember but all the things I said were along that line. I knew the images were far away but they were all I could see.
The moment the pictures stopped I got a call. I showed Ryan it was ringing as if I had something to prove. The contact came up, “Carl” and I thought it was Karl S. one of Phillip’s old friends. I didn’t think about the spelling difference at the time. I answered and Carl/Karl said, “Hey this must be about the…” Interrupting and speaking very quickly I said, “aliens because there is no way you could have called me that fast after the slideshow.” He said nothing, I think he was shocked. Sometime later another voice came on. I thought it was his younger brother or something. (But Karl doesn’t have a brother) The voice and I talked for a bit, exchanging pleasantries and whatnot. Inside the house I was pacing around talking to him. His voice was soft and I guessed he was around 9 years old. He eventually said, “You’re a good person Michael.” I said, “Thanks” and waited as if it was time for him to tell me why he called. Around five seconds later I thought to myself that I was talking to the aliens. The dream then ended suddenly. Those were the only lines of dialogue I could recall upon awakening.
Yep. The whole thing had an important feel about it. Upon awakening I just lay there for around ten minutes. It was too dark at 6:00a to write it down it bed, so I took it downstairs to write it up.
Peace -- Mike
Sunday, December 13, 2009
December 13 Dream
Someone I've been talking to recently recommended I put a pencil and paper by my bed to write down my dreams. So this is the result of the first attempt.
I initially copied this outline into word. But I kinda thought that it was an interpretation of what had happened. And more specifically my interpretation, so an hour later I don't feel bad adding more to it, as it is mine to add. So here I how I wrote it up:
12 /13 / 09
Short Dream ~10min
Watch him leave house
Watch him ride around block
Take picture in basement
Send text message
I’m in front of mom’s house somewhat out of sight. She leaves the house. Matthew puts Garfield on his back on a bike and rides around the block, I don’t actually see him do this; he just leaves on a bike with the cat on his back. The cat is just lying down on his lower back. He sticks his head over the side like a dog out of a window. The bike is a fairly old mountain bike. They talk about Matthew’s deciding not to live, more like he’s board of living and is ready for other things. He rides somewhat dangerously but the cat says he’s glad not more so. Matthew says if the cat wasn’t there he would be. They take the short way around the Greens, mostly staying in the right hand lane.
I’m following them around the block in a plane, roughly 100ft up, barely faster than bike speed. Still faster than them, so I have to circle around sometimes. This keeps up for the duration of the block (which is a short one).
He pulls into the driveway and I park at Matt’s house (down the street (different Matt)). While landing I noticed another plane much higher than me kinda watching also. Matthew watching me, or government, or just another plane? I really don’t remember landing. I kinda slowed down over Matt’s house, and then I was in his basement. In the basement I put together some ingredients: Cereal, peanut butter, flower, sugar… about 8 ingredients. I really don’t remember what they were for but I knew at the time. I’d guess they were ingredients to make Reese’s Cups, or maybe no bake cookies. I take a picture of them with my camera, rearrange them and bring in some new ones, take another picture. As if they were two different but very similar recipes.
Then I sent Matthew a text saying something like, “Nice recruitment video.” I think it said more, like how I was impressed he rode around the block with the cat on his back. It might have totaled 14 words, but I’m not really sure what it said. “Nice recruitment video” was the closest thing to it I could think of when I woke up.
This is my first picture to add to my blog. Let me assure you... my handwriting is much better than that. Unless of course I just woke up and am writing against a mattress as fast I as I can so I don't forget anything... then it looks a lot like what is shown above. I really have no idea what that text said, and maybe I shouldn't have put that guess in here, but oh well.
Yea,
-- Mike
I initially copied this outline into word. But I kinda thought that it was an interpretation of what had happened. And more specifically my interpretation, so an hour later I don't feel bad adding more to it, as it is mine to add. So here I how I wrote it up:
12 /13 / 09
Short Dream ~10min
Watch him leave house
Watch him ride around block
Take picture in basement
Send text message
I’m in front of mom’s house somewhat out of sight. She leaves the house. Matthew puts Garfield on his back on a bike and rides around the block, I don’t actually see him do this; he just leaves on a bike with the cat on his back. The cat is just lying down on his lower back. He sticks his head over the side like a dog out of a window. The bike is a fairly old mountain bike. They talk about Matthew’s deciding not to live, more like he’s board of living and is ready for other things. He rides somewhat dangerously but the cat says he’s glad not more so. Matthew says if the cat wasn’t there he would be. They take the short way around the Greens, mostly staying in the right hand lane.
I’m following them around the block in a plane, roughly 100ft up, barely faster than bike speed. Still faster than them, so I have to circle around sometimes. This keeps up for the duration of the block (which is a short one).
He pulls into the driveway and I park at Matt’s house (down the street (different Matt)). While landing I noticed another plane much higher than me kinda watching also. Matthew watching me, or government, or just another plane? I really don’t remember landing. I kinda slowed down over Matt’s house, and then I was in his basement. In the basement I put together some ingredients: Cereal, peanut butter, flower, sugar… about 8 ingredients. I really don’t remember what they were for but I knew at the time. I’d guess they were ingredients to make Reese’s Cups, or maybe no bake cookies. I take a picture of them with my camera, rearrange them and bring in some new ones, take another picture. As if they were two different but very similar recipes.
Then I sent Matthew a text saying something like, “Nice recruitment video.” I think it said more, like how I was impressed he rode around the block with the cat on his back. It might have totaled 14 words, but I’m not really sure what it said. “Nice recruitment video” was the closest thing to it I could think of when I woke up.
This is my first picture to add to my blog. Let me assure you... my handwriting is much better than that. Unless of course I just woke up and am writing against a mattress as fast I as I can so I don't forget anything... then it looks a lot like what is shown above. I really have no idea what that text said, and maybe I shouldn't have put that guess in here, but oh well.
Yea,
-- Mike
December 10 Dream
I walked into like a police break room, and it became clear that I was their Sargent, we were on an island below Japan, and I didn't speak Japanese and they all did. So I kinda wandered around the office trying not to get noticed. I looked at a map but it didn't look like Japan but I still knew I was below it. So I tried some of the lockers to put my coat in. They all had pretty big locks on them but all the locks were undone already, so I guess I looked at the lock for a while then put my coat away. I then walked around some of the computers, it looked like they were running XP so I thought I would log onto my email. But the first one I tried was locked up and the second was at the blue screen of death. I looked around for others and there were a few but I didn't really feel like checking my email anymore. So I sat down at the table in the middle of the room where some of the officers where sitting. The two across from me started speaking pretty quickly in Japanese as if they were registering a professional complaint. But I couldn't understand a word of it, I wanted to interrupt them and let them know that I didn't understand but I kinda felt that I didn't know their culture so I shouldn't chance it. When they finished I tried explaining to them that I spoke English and couldn't understand a word they were saying. So I finally said "American" which they understood, so they pointed to one of the officers behind me who was non-oriental. So I mentioned to him that I needed an interpreter for the day which he didn't seem to care about. So I said I would make him my partner which overjoyed him. He started thanking me and asking "really" like I had just made his life goal. Throughout my entire time in this room I got that idea that I really was their Sargent but they kinda resented me because of something I had recently done, but they were willing to give me a second chance and this was it. Also, that they would follow me no matter what I did but they still didn't approve of whatever it is I had done. There was also some test, but I don't remember taking it. We got our exam breakdowns back. It was like a full page of text printed landscape, and I could read lots of it. I got a 30% in English. I think it was measuring my knowledge of English, like a 100% would be that I knew everything about English. On the other side I got like a 10% in "British" and a 0% in Japanese. The officer next to me was showing off his scores in a way that was meant to put me down. He got a 287% in Japanese, a 40% in English, and like 30% in "British."
So that's the end of scene 1.
We left the station all in one car that was like a Oldsmobile Wagon. They told me that most of the officers had gotten into suitcases in the trunk, and then there were like 3 more in the back seat, and my interpreter was driving. We drove through lots of skyscrapers that kinda reminded me of Las Vegas. Some of the casinos had the same names but there were banks that I recognized. I think it was a one way road through all these large buildings and there wasn't much traffic. I spent a good bit of time looking out the windows at the buildings, recognizing a few but not all. I guess we drove to a park.
End of scene 2.
At the park we walked over by a fence and under a couple trees and started throwing a bunch of Frisbee and Aerobies around the park, there were a couple of other people at the park doing this as well. There was like a Zen-master to our right and far away that was combining the Aerobies into different shapes and throwing those with interesting results. He once made an M and threw it kinda over a large fence a few other Aerobies went over the fence at the same time. And the M circled back and knocked the fence over from the inside. So I ran across the field to retrieve it for him and I got it and some of the others, then threw the M back to him in a really arching way. He had already started making his next disk, which at the time looked like four fish swimming in a circle following each others' tails right in front of him. The M fell down the center of the fish and the whole thing transformed into a shark-like thing with it's tail rapped around its body where the fish had been. It fell to the ground and twitched a little. Then I think the master took it back and started reforming it.
End of scene 3.
Actually, that might have been the end of the dream. But the next one totally goes along with it.
So I was walking along in like a superstore, I got the idea that I was with someone, like my parents, but I never saw them. But I did see someone that looked like my sister shopping with what looked to be her parents (but they definitely weren't our parents) And from the Japanese dream I had met my two brothers and talked to them but I really don't remember when that happened. So I figured I'd go talk to her about that dream. I asked her if we could go to a different isle and talk. So we went to the next isle over. I told her that I had a sister that looked just like her. She was 24 and I was 22, she went to UNC and I went to Mines. I was kinda recalling these things like the real world was a dream that I was telling her about. I told her about the Japanese dream. I knew in the dream that the Japanese dream had been a dream but it never dawned on me that this too could be one.
End of scene 4.
I think this dream lasted about a day. When I went into the station it was morning and at the end of the park scene I think the sun had set. Actually, the superstore scene might have been the next day. It kinda seemed like the morning also. I'm sure I left so much out. Like when I woke up I could remember all the conversations I had had in each of the dreams, and everything that I had thought. But almost an hour later there are holes in the stories that I just don't remember, but something did happen there.
-- Mike
So that's the end of scene 1.
We left the station all in one car that was like a Oldsmobile Wagon. They told me that most of the officers had gotten into suitcases in the trunk, and then there were like 3 more in the back seat, and my interpreter was driving. We drove through lots of skyscrapers that kinda reminded me of Las Vegas. Some of the casinos had the same names but there were banks that I recognized. I think it was a one way road through all these large buildings and there wasn't much traffic. I spent a good bit of time looking out the windows at the buildings, recognizing a few but not all. I guess we drove to a park.
End of scene 2.
At the park we walked over by a fence and under a couple trees and started throwing a bunch of Frisbee and Aerobies around the park, there were a couple of other people at the park doing this as well. There was like a Zen-master to our right and far away that was combining the Aerobies into different shapes and throwing those with interesting results. He once made an M and threw it kinda over a large fence a few other Aerobies went over the fence at the same time. And the M circled back and knocked the fence over from the inside. So I ran across the field to retrieve it for him and I got it and some of the others, then threw the M back to him in a really arching way. He had already started making his next disk, which at the time looked like four fish swimming in a circle following each others' tails right in front of him. The M fell down the center of the fish and the whole thing transformed into a shark-like thing with it's tail rapped around its body where the fish had been. It fell to the ground and twitched a little. Then I think the master took it back and started reforming it.
End of scene 3.
Actually, that might have been the end of the dream. But the next one totally goes along with it.
So I was walking along in like a superstore, I got the idea that I was with someone, like my parents, but I never saw them. But I did see someone that looked like my sister shopping with what looked to be her parents (but they definitely weren't our parents) And from the Japanese dream I had met my two brothers and talked to them but I really don't remember when that happened. So I figured I'd go talk to her about that dream. I asked her if we could go to a different isle and talk. So we went to the next isle over. I told her that I had a sister that looked just like her. She was 24 and I was 22, she went to UNC and I went to Mines. I was kinda recalling these things like the real world was a dream that I was telling her about. I told her about the Japanese dream. I knew in the dream that the Japanese dream had been a dream but it never dawned on me that this too could be one.
End of scene 4.
I think this dream lasted about a day. When I went into the station it was morning and at the end of the park scene I think the sun had set. Actually, the superstore scene might have been the next day. It kinda seemed like the morning also. I'm sure I left so much out. Like when I woke up I could remember all the conversations I had had in each of the dreams, and everything that I had thought. But almost an hour later there are holes in the stories that I just don't remember, but something did happen there.
-- Mike
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