Life

The Past:

I don't really care for my past... For as long as I can remember I have been the way I am. Physically and mentally above average, but socially a brick. The majority of the ideas I hold are quite old, its as if back then I was waiting to learn something that would disprove what I thought and I could move on to better things. The magical fix never came so now the things I believed are now virtually unchallenged between my ears. It also seems that everyone I grew near to throughout my life doesn't play a role in it anymore. While this could easily be related to a sense of independence I believe it to be more than that in an unfortunate way.

The Present:

I currently view the problem as follows. That I see others as independent and anything I do would influence them. Doing so would be a selfish act. To combat this, when I feel that someone is actually listening (ha ha) to me I speak in lists. The majority of which contain three elements. However, the contents and order of the list are biased and may affect a decision before it has been made. So, the vast majority of the time, even in social situations, I don't speak.

I waste the majority of my time just sitting around; the only thing I enjoy on a regular basis is climbing mountains... It seems that too is becoming routine and simply something to pass the time. Recently, I have been operating under the assumption that loneliness (and possibly a fear of loneliness to come) is driving my actions and emoticons.

The Future:

In the near future I don't see this problem fixing itself. Which may unfortunately lead to a life of solitude. On a slightly more positive note, these ideas may be sprouting from the Mines Park scenario discussed in the last few posts. It’s nearing the end of the semester and I get the feeling that lots of people I know are considering their futures. Over the summer I am hoping for a job, hopefully with ridiculously many hours that dominates my time. I doubt even if I fail to find a job that socially my life will be different. It’s unlikely that I will see the friends I have made at college over the summer, for geographical and social reasons.

Next semester communication with my current friends is more likely simply because of the change in geography. My very gloomy perception of that situation is that I am only liked by the ones who like everyone. This is the reason I presume a lonely summer.

Things need to be added to this post...

I have more to say about a majority of these topics, so if you would reply with either a quote from above, a counterpoint, or a topic that needs more light shed on it, I will reply back almost immediately.

L8R-- Michael