Throughout my life I've always wanted money, power, and control... I never told anyone because they seem like pretty selfish things. (Insert mask poem here) I also believed (maybe still do) that those things are what everyone else wants as well...
Now I am thinking that I want someone to ____ that ____s me back.
like: seems like a no brainer but I often wonder
love: unfortunately to an extent I view my family as a matter of coexistence. However, it’s very likely that my definition of the word is flawed due to my past or lack of…
care: I think this is the one that I would put in the blanks. So far I care about very few and I believe even fewer care for me.
fuck: yeah, that sounds like fun and all, it just seems so unlikely that it will happen. Doesn’t seem so bad right now coming to terms with this idea.
I still of course want money... I believe that I have always wanted it and will always want it...
Ben Franklin said, "The only things certain in life are death and taxes."
So maybe my thoughts of late are still of control.
I want the money so that taxes and all other expenses in life won't even cross my mind. And I want another person in my life that I __ so I am not lonely throughout life and in death.
I do fear death... It’s unavoidable... at some point you and everyone you know will die... Honestly, that is the scariest thing for me right now.
I apologize for the coming graphicness in my example but I prefer to think about it this way... People usually die of a loss of blood to the brain... which leaves behind earthly remains... But lets assume that someone is at the center of an atomic blast and every atom in their body is gone... i.e. No remains, no body, no brain.
I imagine that post death will be nothing like pre death... everything we do simply sends a signal to the brain, which sends electrical / chemical signals inside of itself. i.e. thinking, then an output signal is sent to a muscle somewhere. Post death none of that will exist anymore, so it can't happen anymore.
There are four (ish) possibilities I see after death.
1. Heaven / Hell: an eternity of unconditional love and happiness / eternal pain and sorrow. If this is what post death contains for us all then I believe it wouldn't be so binary. Each person would go to a unique place / state of mind depending on what kind of a person they were and what they wanted in their life.
2. Nothingness: A person is comprised of atoms that make up cells that make up the person, those things simply don't exist anymore, and no signals are sent in the brain that’s not there anymore. By far this is the one I'm afraid of. It wouldn't be like sleeping forever, it would be never-ending nothingness.
3. Reincarnation: Somehow after death a person is reawakened as another with absolutely no memory of the past. This idea has some positive aspects, living things are more than cells made of atoms and that after death some part of people doesn't go to a magical place created for us by another. Conversely, what about single cells organisms in the ocean, we can see and identify all chemical reactions that happen in them, is that a possibility for reincarnation? And where is the line drawn... Are there a finite number of beings in existence? Or what if halo was activated and all life in the universe dies, where do we go then?
4. Ease into nothingness: Post death a person is kept alive by the things they did and the people they touched. A person becomes their life, not consciously of course. And slowly they're forgotten and the things they were become the things of others.
You might consider rereading this then commenting... I know I did... Minus the commenting part of course, unless you count this...
L8R-- Michael
4 comments:
I'm confused, I don't understand a lot of thing you said but well, I will try to re-read it a few times.
I do care about you.
I have something to say about this post, I just don't know what yet... Hmm... Money, power, and control have never really been a huge driving force for me... However I do agree that I want money in the way such that I don't have to worry about taxes and the like.
As for the 4 things you want people for, those seem like pretty natural things to desire. The first three are definitely something to want, and I don't see why your relationship with your family should affect your ability to love. So maybe you don't really love them, that's fine, but that doesn't mean you can't find other people to love (love in a general sense, not just in a dating relationship sense). In regards to caring, the more you can actually care about other people I think the more people will care about you. Seems kinda obvious but oh well. That last one, well, you are right about it seeming unlikely right now. But you know, things can change, and maybe it will work out for you. Personally that's one thing that's never been of any interest to me. I dunno what it is, it just doesn't seem desireable in the slightest.
As for death... I've never feared death. I dunno why not, I mean you're right what with the whole everyone will die eventually thing. But you know, if that's the way it's gonna be then that's fine. I've thought about all of those different ideas for what death will be like (or rather, what will happen afterwards) and it's really perplexing to think about, especially in situations 2 and 4. Though, those two seem to be essentially the same except people actually cared about the person in situation 4. I guess that's hard to imagine because our whole life is nothing like that, there's always something going on in our heads... So really, I don't think I could ever truly comprehend that situation and so I've given up on that idea. If it happens it happens and nothing I can do will stand in the way of it. So I guess I just try to enjoy what life I do have and I won't worry about death until it happens. That doesn't really help you any, I'm sure, but hopefully you find a way to come to terms with it. Death is always going to be there somewhere in the future so there's no need to be afraid of it because it's not going to go away...
Hmm, I dunno if I like the way this comment turned out...
It's true, our family really doesn't seem to love each other. Honestly I even feel a little repelled by mom, and she's a great person. I do care for Matthew, Lisa, and you though. It's not really the same though, and I don't think you can expect to define love based on family, I personally think it's totally different. I think one of the reasons you view us like that is that we can't have discussions either. I mean, think about in the car today when we briefly talked about my friend. I swear it was like 6th grade hearing "She's your girlfriend isn't she!" like it was the spiciest news in the world. Why would I want to have a discussion with you about that if that's the tone that gets set? I'm just saying that we don't rely on each other because we're not the kind of people that are generally sought after for advice to each other.
As for wanting all those things, I think you'll find that you have to make some significant changes in personality to probably come by those. I mean, I don't pretend to know how you are with the ladies, but it's totally different. Also the sort of dynamic that exists in our family is really not the right way, it's really quite strange. It's a lot of talking, and it should come pretty naturally, so if you're really and truly always forcing awkward conversation, something is amiss. I don't know, if you want tips or anything, just ask me in person, I'm less inclined to speak freely in some comment.
You write very well.
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