Death and Taxes

Throughout my life I've always wanted money, power, and control... I never told anyone because they seem like pretty selfish things. (Insert mask poem here) I also believed (maybe still do) that those things are what everyone else wants as well...

Now I am thinking that I want someone to ____ that ____s me back.

like: seems like a no brainer but I often wonder

love: unfortunately to an extent I view my family as a matter of coexistence. However, it’s very likely that my definition of the word is flawed due to my past or lack of…

care: I think this is the one that I would put in the blanks. So far I care about very few and I believe even fewer care for me.

fuck: yeah, that sounds like fun and all, it just seems so unlikely that it will happen. Doesn’t seem so bad right now coming to terms with this idea.

I still of course want money... I believe that I have always wanted it and will always want it...

Ben Franklin said, "The only things certain in life are death and taxes."

So maybe my thoughts of late are still of control.

I want the money so that taxes and all other expenses in life won't even cross my mind. And I want another person in my life that I __ so I am not lonely throughout life and in death.

I do fear death... It’s unavoidable... at some point you and everyone you know will die... Honestly, that is the scariest thing for me right now.

I apologize for the coming graphicness in my example but I prefer to think about it this way... People usually die of a loss of blood to the brain... which leaves behind earthly remains... But lets assume that someone is at the center of an atomic blast and every atom in their body is gone... i.e. No remains, no body, no brain.

I imagine that post death will be nothing like pre death... everything we do simply sends a signal to the brain, which sends electrical / chemical signals inside of itself. i.e. thinking, then an output signal is sent to a muscle somewhere. Post death none of that will exist anymore, so it can't happen anymore.

There are four (ish) possibilities I see after death.

1. Heaven / Hell: an eternity of unconditional love and happiness / eternal pain and sorrow. If this is what post death contains for us all then I believe it wouldn't be so binary. Each person would go to a unique place / state of mind depending on what kind of a person they were and what they wanted in their life.

2. Nothingness: A person is comprised of atoms that make up cells that make up the person, those things simply don't exist anymore, and no signals are sent in the brain that’s not there anymore. By far this is the one I'm afraid of. It wouldn't be like sleeping forever, it would be never-ending nothingness.

3. Reincarnation: Somehow after death a person is reawakened as another with absolutely no memory of the past. This idea has some positive aspects, living things are more than cells made of atoms and that after death some part of people doesn't go to a magical place created for us by another. Conversely, what about single cells organisms in the ocean, we can see and identify all chemical reactions that happen in them, is that a possibility for reincarnation? And where is the line drawn... Are there a finite number of beings in existence? Or what if halo was activated and all life in the universe dies, where do we go then?

4. Ease into nothingness: Post death a person is kept alive by the things they did and the people they touched. A person becomes their life, not consciously of course. And slowly they're forgotten and the things they were become the things of others.

You might consider rereading this then commenting... I know I did... Minus the commenting part of course, unless you count this...

L8R-- Michael

Three things

1. The Mines fireworks display last Friday was the coolest fireworks show I've ever seen.

2. My belief is stronger than ever that only the people that like everyone they meet, like me.

3. I don't like my acne, my horrible social skills, or my self image.

I recently brought these things up with that psychologist of Mine, Dr. Sweeper. He suggested that I was taking the easy way out of life. Disliking one’s self is simple; doing so creates more evidence for the cause. If one perceives them-self as disliked they will act the part, and a negative spiral ensues. The person will begin to think in terms of others dislike for them and may begin to mistakenly interpret the comments and actions of others to support their beliefs. Dr. Sweeper (which I can’t say with a strait face (sorry to break the mood)) also proposed the hypothesis that not talking could be a cry for help or that by showing as little of who I am as possible I was isolating myself from the world.

Dr. Sweeper may be onto something here…

L8R -- Michael

Life

The Past:

I don't really care for my past... For as long as I can remember I have been the way I am. Physically and mentally above average, but socially a brick. The majority of the ideas I hold are quite old, its as if back then I was waiting to learn something that would disprove what I thought and I could move on to better things. The magical fix never came so now the things I believed are now virtually unchallenged between my ears. It also seems that everyone I grew near to throughout my life doesn't play a role in it anymore. While this could easily be related to a sense of independence I believe it to be more than that in an unfortunate way.

The Present:

I currently view the problem as follows. That I see others as independent and anything I do would influence them. Doing so would be a selfish act. To combat this, when I feel that someone is actually listening (ha ha) to me I speak in lists. The majority of which contain three elements. However, the contents and order of the list are biased and may affect a decision before it has been made. So, the vast majority of the time, even in social situations, I don't speak.

I waste the majority of my time just sitting around; the only thing I enjoy on a regular basis is climbing mountains... It seems that too is becoming routine and simply something to pass the time. Recently, I have been operating under the assumption that loneliness (and possibly a fear of loneliness to come) is driving my actions and emoticons.

The Future:

In the near future I don't see this problem fixing itself. Which may unfortunately lead to a life of solitude. On a slightly more positive note, these ideas may be sprouting from the Mines Park scenario discussed in the last few posts. It’s nearing the end of the semester and I get the feeling that lots of people I know are considering their futures. Over the summer I am hoping for a job, hopefully with ridiculously many hours that dominates my time. I doubt even if I fail to find a job that socially my life will be different. It’s unlikely that I will see the friends I have made at college over the summer, for geographical and social reasons.

Next semester communication with my current friends is more likely simply because of the change in geography. My very gloomy perception of that situation is that I am only liked by the ones who like everyone. This is the reason I presume a lonely summer.

Things need to be added to this post...

I have more to say about a majority of these topics, so if you would reply with either a quote from above, a counterpoint, or a topic that needs more light shed on it, I will reply back almost immediately.

L8R-- Michael

Freshman Year

E-Days just finished and was quite awesome. Highlights for me include: bouncy boxing, bouncy bungee race, watching the trebuchet contest, the mythbusters, the ore cart pull, playing some “guitar hero” (at two in the morning off campus (if you know what I mean)), and fugitive.

There is another wave of testing coming up soon. However this post does not concern those.

Next years housing arrangement is sent in stone for me. Curtis Flemming and I will be living four doors down from where I currently live. This room is in the basement so it has the 9 foot ceilings that I enjoy; it is also about five feet wider than my current room. Our current plan calls for a couch, lazy-boy, custom desks, and a large TV (with numerous systems of course). Everyone else doesn’t know yet if they got into mines park yet, so things for them could get quite interesting for them fairly soon. I hope everyone gets rooms next semester… But more than that, I hope that the location that they have chosen does not inhibit them from doing things on campus. Some of the people moving up there don’t have access to a car, one of the reasons I wouldn’t have wanted to move up there is the ease of missing a class; Along with the increased difficulty of going back and forth between classes. I would not like anyone’s performance to be hindered by location next year.

Thoughts:

Joey – I really like you and want you to do well at CSM. You are more than welcome to use my (massive) room to chill between classes. It is likely that my room next year will have an extra desk and chair setup in the event you want to use it.

Luke – You are equally welcome to stop by my room next year and chill whenever you want.

Scott – A large percentage of the people I meet I consciously recognize I will have a temporary relationship with. Our lives came together for a while and we each made decisions that affected the other but towards then end those decisions will be made less often until there are none. We will each go our separate ways in life having little effect on each other. It's very unlikely that communication will occur between us because of a mutual (assumed)* feeling towards each other. I wish you the best on your journey through life.

* I do dislike assumed things. I also recognize the chance of having made an incorrect assumption. And I apologize if that is the case here.

Trevor – Less philosophically, we recently spent a lot of time together and you’re a pretty cool person. I realize that you play WoW when there is nothing better to do... and I hope that it doesn't inhibit your performance at mines.

This summer I would like to go somewhere with any, or all, of the group. If the feeling is mutual then you know my AIM / e-mail and if you’re good then you also know my phone number too.

I welcome feedback on this post.

If you feel that you want to write something but don’t know what, then here is a prompt I have been considering: How could I (referring to Michael) have acted differently / better this past year?

L8R-- Michael

CSM Update

Alright, this may be a long post so let’s not forget the Disclaimer... And because it is likely that we will have so first time readers on this post I'll instruct you to go read it... Or much more likely just read this and I'll give you a synopsis: Don't talk about this blog in the real world.

On a side note, I am writing this knowing that people will read it, and that definitely affects what I say / how I say it.

“Masks”

By: Me

The masks we all wear

to show each other we care,

covering what is real

to change how we feel,

the actors change who they are to entertain

but traces of their personality remain,

flat plastic shades lowered to hide the sky

limiting the space where learning minds can fly,

on the page the white out spilled

covering the truth allowing a rebuild,

all the grass that covers the field

so the ugly dirt remains concealed,

the truth never to be unfurled

as all the masks cover the world.

I thought that would be fitting, this post more than any other I feel that what I am writing is changed knowing that you will read this. And I don’t like that idea. But, whatever, I haven’t written in a while and this is what you came to see,

so without further ado,

this is what I think of you.

Scott: Probably the first one that will read this post, so why not put you down first. You are defiantly the leader of the Palmer kids; whenever you hold yourself hostage you get your way.

Mike: I would like to know you in the future but I doubt the occurrence.

Luke: Same.

Flody: I apologize for telling you this but I believe that you are the second to least liked in the group. I don’t believe that you think about what you’re doing often. If you’re ever reading over someone’s shoulder and see this then I recommend you go read the levels of thought entry to this blog and really think about it without discussing it. (I hope I spelled your nickname right…)

Danny: Immature, but it seems that when alone you’re able to get things done. Of the Palmer kids I believe that you are the least dependent on Scott.

Henry:

Joey: I would like to know you better but doubt the occurrence.

Trevor: WoW is beginning to take hold again.

Me: My minesweeping levels have gone down; unfortunately Guitar Hero fills that void nicely. My classes this semester are slightly harder; I don’t think that I will get strait A’s again… I am worried about this first Physics test. I am also starting to take up photography as a hobby, we shall see were this goes.

What’s written above does affect how I feel about you, but knowing that you’re reading, makes me limit and change what I wanted to write for each of you, for that I apologize. And if you don’t go to the School of Mines and are reading this, the people that are mentioned here that were not mentioned last time are second floor kids.

Recently my roommate moved out and I have turned my into the TV room and with a slight amount of creativity managed to fit my bicycle into a closet. However, now there are people in my room playing games late at night and when I am studying (ha ha) but seriously… I don’t mind people doing that but I am not sure I like what is changing about me because of the game play.

Recently everybody listed above and one other person not mentioned in this blog decided to live in Mines Park next year. Unfortunately, there are ten people listed above (plus the one) and the rooms are shared among three. So I became the odd man out, and (almost) everyone I know already has their living arrangements already filled out and sent in. When I first discovered this it caused me a great amount of grief. Now that amount is smaller, only because I took the sissy way out and looked on the brighter side of life. I wondered, if given the option would I want to live in Mines Park. The rooms are bigger and nicer, you get a kitchen, but it is further away and I do enjoy being on campus. Because the school lets freshmen get first pick on the traditional doors it is very unlikely that I will get the opportunity to live here next year. All of this leaves only one option, Weaver Towers. The rooms there are really small and the ceilings are low, which would not work well for me. So I am left without a decision.

I don’t like this post.

Read levels of thought or why I don’t talk, they are better.

Please don’t talk outside of this blog about this post. Reply and I will reply back.

L8R-- Michael